Dear David Hopkins,
I am Godfrey Lau a legal practitioner and a personal attorney to (Edward Hopkins.) I regret the manner with which I am giving you this information, but I have no other option. I wish to notify you that My late client (Edward Hopkins.) died with his wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster, passed away and left no one as his next-of-kin. This is also a double edged scenario. It is no tussle as I have been mandated to provide the next of kin to my late client by the bank where he has long ago deposited the funds before the bank declares the funds non-serviceable.
I am contacting you to assist in claiming my late client’s funds because you bear the same last-name with my late client and that will make it very easy to work with you. The deceased had an account valued at about $12.3 Millions United States Dollars. We can make this claim legally without problems, I am very sure of the success of this transaction if you adhere to my instructions.
If you are interested in this operation you should please forward to me your complete names, current home and cell phone numbers and mailing address to enable me furnish you with more details as regards this subject I wait to hear from you.
Obviously, I couldn’t let an opportunity like this just slip away. Here’s the response I emailed to Godfrey Lau:
Dear Godfrey Lau, Principal Partner,
First of all, thank you. Thank you so much for getting in touch. It means a lot to me and my family that you’ve taken the time to resolve this matter regarding my Uncle Edward. Already, your email has given me much needed closure. I can’t help but think that God is truly blessing our family through your caring act. I greatly appreciate it. While I am 100 percent committed to the success of this transaction and adhering to your instructions, I think there are a few things I need to get off my chest about your late client Edward Hopkins. Some of it may be a little unsettling. I apologize in advance — but I feel like in order to move forward, we should talk about the real Edward.
Edward Hopkins was an absolute son of a bitch.
I mean, he was a complete and total ragging son of a bitch. I can barely put into words just how much this man has tormented my family with his thoroughly unpleasant son-of-a-bitch qualities. Just when you thought he was an okay guy, nope, the “son of a bitch” true self would return with a vengeance like you’ve never seen. Son of a bitch. Am I right? (You know what I mean. He was your client, so you had to know.)
Believe me, I am surprised to hear he died. I should probably speak better of the dead, but he was just a son. of. a. bitch. No other way around it. Here I thought he was in prison or homeless somewhere. Imagine my surprise to find out that he died in Louisiana USA during the Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster, elven years ago! Has it been so long? Not only that, I find out he had a wife and daughter?! Thanks for inviting me to the wedding, asshole. Right? I feel bad for his wife and daughter—not only because they died in that horrible natural disaster but also because they had to live out their ill-fated existence in close proximity to that human disaster, my real uncle, Edward Hopkins.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he faked his death—but I completely trust you. While he was a grade-A, heaping trash fire of a son of a bitch, only a true low life would use the Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster to concoct a story about a dead family member. I know you know.
But let me tell you about my relationship with Edward:
1) Edward Hopkins would show up unannounced to my house—and always around dinner time.
He’d usually bring a girlfriend with him. At least, I assume she was a girlfriend. It was a different girl each time, but the girl always wore a tight outfit (usually with some animal print) that showed too much cleavage, and she smelled like cigarettes, urine, and baby powder. It was uncanny; it was horrible. He would never introduce “the friend.” They would just sit down on the couch and start watching TV, often Full House. He’d grab a beer or something. Inevitably, we would ask if they wanted to stay for dinner. (I guess we’re just kind-hearted, gullible people, right?) He’d say yes. She wouldn’t say a word. They’d eat and then leave. And I’m not shitting you, he stained the couch with whatever putrid coat of sweat and grease covered him. To this day, there’s a dark outline of where he sat. I should seriously toss that couch.
2) Edward Hopkins was kind of a racist.
He would never say something truly offensive, but he’d hint at some racist bullshit as if he was waiting for you to agree, so he could then plow into the real racist tirade he had prepared. I never took the bait. He’d always say “the blacks” or “the jews,” never just “blacks” or “jews.” For example: “The blacks had their chance, but I mean, look at Chicago.” What does that even mean?!? What a son of a bitch! You see what I’m saying? He would also make up random racist statistics—which you knew weren’t real—but if you challenged him on it, he’d throw a tantrum. “You know that two-thirds of the Mexicans don’t even like tacos.” See? Not full-on racist, but you felt like he was working up to something. After any conversation, you’d have to replay it in your head word-for-word just to make sure you didn’t accidentally say something racist without meaning to. You just felt gross afterward. I’ll say it: I’m glad he’s gone.
3) Edward Hopkins was a cheapskate.
I’m sure you figured that out, with him always coming by for dinner. But it didn’t end there. If you drove with Edward anywhere, he’d always ask if you could help him with gas money. Or he’d pretend like he left his wallet at home whenever we’d go bowling or to the movies. He’d never offer to pay for shit. Imagine my surprise to find out HE’S WORTH $12.3 MILLIONS UNITED STATES DOLLARS!!! Oh my god. I’m sorry, but that money is mine (plus interest) for every time I paid for one of his frito pies that he liked to eat at the bowling alley. He’d then get too drunk to drive home, so he’d crash on our couch, just farting the whole time. In his sleep, farting. Why do I still have that couch?!
A few other things about Edward…
4) Unapologetic porn addiction (more stains on the couch… we’ll just leave it at that)
5) Could never hold down a job for more than a month (probably due to his porn addiction)
6) Unhealthy obsession with celebrity gossip surrounding Dave Coulier
7) Would sing along to songs he didn’t know all the words to
8) Borrowed my DVD collection of America’s Funniest People (seasons 1-3) and never returned them
9) Owns too many cats, doesn’t clean up after them
10) Hoarder, obviously
11) Would burn trash in his backyard and I don’t think he had a permit to do it
12) Read a lot of Sandra Brown—which is cool, I love Sandra Brown—but when you asked him about it, he pretended like he didn’t know what you were talking about. (Bitch, I see your dog-eared copy of Love’s Encore. That book is the bomb.)
13) The racist thing. It bears repeating.
14) When we played Monopoly, he’d never buy any real estate, but he’d then throw a fit when you busted his ass on Boardwalk or Park Place.
15) I think he would steal my trash. I don’t know what that’s about, but I’m fairly certain he did it.
16) Always quoting Dave Coulier like that shit’s funny. (“Cut… it… out.”) Ugh.
17) Left his chewing tobacco spit cup on the coffee table
18) Scratched his crotch a lot
19) He kept trying to make “fetch” happen. It’s not going to happen.
20) I think he was in love with Dave Coulier.
Despite all this, I am glad you contacted me. Thank you for listening to my rant. I really needed that. And I will feel even better once I adhere to your instructions in order to get the $12.3 Millions United States Dollars. As I said before, I am 100 percent committed.
You know, this explains why, back in August 2005, I invited him to my house for a Full House marathon. He said he was going to be there. (I hadn’t seen him in a while.) He also said he has some important news to share, but then he never showed up. I thought it was Edward being Edward. But I guess he died in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster, just like you said.
It was a shame because I had also invited my friend from Nigeria to the TV watch party (TGIF!). Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to make it either. He got arrested a few days earlier. Turns out—and I probably shouldn’t tell you this—that he’s a prince! Dude is filthy rich. He has about $200 Millions United States Dollars, but it’s all tied up in a bank account that he can’t access. However, using your lawyer abilities, if you were able to get some of Edward’s money, just a portion of it, maybe $2000 United States Dollars, we’d be able to bribe the right people to get that money. My Nigerian friend says he’ll split it with us 50/50/50. We’d have to use your money upfront (as a money order or cashier’s check sent to my P.O. box) because no one would be able to trace it. Just a thought. Your call. Great opportunity.
I wait to hear from you.
Sincerely your new friend,
P.S. I have a couch that I don’t want anymore. You interested?
Hopefully, I hear back from Godfrey Lau soon. If so, I will post an update.
Do the right thing, Godfrey. Do the right thing.