Yesterday, as I was trying my best to be productive with my procrastination, I realized I didn’t have any of my Next-Wave (UPDATE 11/16/12: Links removed due to Malware… what happened Next-Wave?) articles saved anywhere.
Yes, over thirteen years ago, when the Internet was young, I wrote for this website. I contributed 24 essays on issues related to faith and culture (read more about that here). I was even editor-in-chief for a short time. I offered decent editorial direction. I had ideas that were somewhat original at the time–made sure each essay was also available as a downloadable pdf, tried to keep submissions under 1000 words, attempted that “blog thing” with the editor/publisher section, and added a message board. I found some great contributors. My web design skills were terrible at the time, and I didn’t have WordPress to lean on. But hey, the site looks nicer now.
So, I went through Next-Wave’s archives and copy-pasted everything I wrote into a Word document. It amounted to 35,104 words. Not too shabby for a young writer. In 2008, I contributed one last essay about my own “loss of faith.” From that essay:
“Recently, I took time to read what I had written previously, expecting to be completely horrified by it. And you know? Not too shabby. A few of my essays had some ideas that still hold up–a little bit of wit, sloppy reasoning here and there, and a whole lot of enthusiasm. I remember the more I wrote, the more anxious I got to make Next-Wave subversive. I wanted to shake things up in a positive way. At a certain point, that anxiety probably got the best of me.”
It’s clear NOW that I was using those essays to work out my own issues. Occasionally, I was straight-up trying to start shit.
“If I think this way, will you still accept me? If I believe this, will you still call me one of your own? If I act different, will you still trust me? How far will the community stretch to include those who don’t fit the mold–without any pretense to conform them?”
These are not good qualities for someone wanting to be a pastor. You’ll drive yourself nuts. And it’s a good thing I didn’t go that route. However, I wonder if it’d be interesting to go back through those essays and have a polite discussion with the younger version of me. Would anyone else be interested in reading it? Would anyone publish it?
You lasted longer at Axxess than I did. About the third time they told me I had to be subservient to men, I was like “Oh, they’re serious about that. Peace out!”
I really like your writing. I don’t think I’m currently the audience for a conversation with the younger version of you. But if you wrote a memoir about your journey through faith, a la Anne Lamott, I’d read it for sure.
Hmm, Axxess. I think about it sometimes. I wonder if it ever helped more people than it hurt…it had to off, but I see the long term effects of the experiment and the pains it caused many.
However, its purpose and mission were pure and its heart and direction were certainly in the correct place.
I think about that time and how many people had their faith challenged for the better. Came way with a new understanding and direction with their faith in God. But in the end, many just had their faith crushed completely…and I don’t know how exactly it happened.
I still believe, I have had to regrow my faith, rekindle it…into something new and different. It is a very different fire now, but I am better and happier for it.
As you said, I think about how many people had “their faith challenged for the better,” even for those people who left the church frustrated. Those experiences shape us. As I said in my other comment, it’s hard to maintain that enthusiasm. We were young, much younger than we realized.
Haha. I rationalized it as an issue of role, not power. But let’s be honest, words like “submissive” and “subservient” are about power.
It was mostly a good group of people, but I couldn’t get my head straight. I was always wanting to argue and challenge. It’s exciting to be part of something. However, it’s hard to maintain that enthusiasm.
Thanks. I don’t know if there *is* an audience for a back and forth between a zealous 20-something and a skeptical 30-something who happen to be the same person. And right now, I have no interest in writing a memoir. I feel like I’m still “starting out” with so many things that got put on hold.